1. Proclaim himself to be Voldemort...

2. And then challenge Emmett Cullen (who, coincidentally, is NOT Harry Potter) to a duel with wands

3. Steal all of Heidi's shoes and say it was Giana

4. Especially when he's wearing her favorite Valentino slingbacks

5. Blow raspberries any time Caius tries to speak

6. Use phrases such as "That's dope." The only dope around here is him.

7. Tell Alec he dresses like a yuppie

8. Play Pokemon. It's just too disturbing.

9. Tell Caius that his white hair and red eyes make him look like an albino...

10. And then tie Caius down and dye his hair bright red...

11. And then refer to Caius as a "firecrotch" (even if does look strickingly similar to Lindsay Lohan)

12. Ask Jane if they're having a staring contest when she gives him 'the look'

13. Pelt Felix with small balls of chocolate covered ice cream when he calls 'dibs' on a snack

14. Comunicate with Emmett Cullen in any way, shape or form (example of affects of this rule being broken: the American 'Era of Free Love'. I.E. the 1960's)

15. Kidnap Bella Swan and force her to play tea party with him and his doll collection

16. Change people into vampires if they can burp the alphabet backwards

Dmitri to track his own butt

18. Impose an international "Human Appreciation Month" every four decades, in which no vampire is allowed to feed on humans

19. And have the Voturi guard uniform include a patch that month stating: Humans are friends, not food.

20. Graffiti the walls of Castle Volturi

21. Particularly with phrases such as "Carlisle Cullen is smokin' hot!" and "Dmitri equals DORK"

22. Change the Volturi motto to: Join the Volturi-we have cookies!

23. Force the members of the guard to paricipate in a bi-weekly spelling bee

24. And then require the losers to perform any Disney story of his choice...on ice

25. Wear a speedo

26. Have Giana answer the telephone by saying : "St. Marcus' Monestary-you stab em' we slab em'"

27. Give Alec and Jane "The Talk"

28. Tell Heidi her dresses are frumpy

29. Sing Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend"

30. Randomly yell "But Marcus is the only man I've ever been with!" when someone speaks to him in public

31. Dress up as Shakira

32. Attempt to dance like Shakira

33. Talk in a Swedish accent any time Heidi is in the same room

34. Rename every member of the Volturi (ex. Alec: Esteban the Pool Boy)

35. Turn the feeding room into a 'roller boogie' complete with strobe lights, a disco ball and bad American 1970's music

36. Give every vampire he has ever met a kitten for Christmas

37. Use sock puppets to speak

38. Hold Tidy-Widy Wearers conventions in Castle Volturi

39. Proclaim Felix to be Dmitri's "bitch" (or vice versa)

40. Put Jane and Alec up for adoption

41. Tell Giana that in order to become a vampire she must write a thesis paper on the topic of "Sexy Older Men" and what pleases them

42. Wear a pink bunny suit on Easter Sunday while hopping around handing out multi-colored eggs.

43. Throw aforementioned multi-colored eggs at any vampires he feels are not really in the "Easter Spirit"

44. Listen to any music written by/sung by/performed by Justin Timberlake

45. And Michael Jackson

46. Additionaly, he is not to force Alec to "dance" with him to any music associated with Michael Jackson

47. Use conversation starters such as "Have any of you ever made love to a porpise? Gosh, it's difficult..." to break the ice

48. He is no longer allowed within a ten foot radius of Mrs. Poppinschnooker (Heidi's pet porpise)

49. Moon Edward Cullen when he comes to rescue Bella from the tea party

50. Lock Jane and Felix in a closet and take bets on which of them comes out alive

---

"Thanks for the idea, Rosalie. I'll send those Jimmy Choos to you express. Ciao." Heidi snapped her Razr cell phone closed and watched Dmitri tape the list to the wall of the throne room.

 

"Should we perhaps laminate it?" Alec suggested.

"It would not make any difference." Jane drawled.

"I suppose this is the best that can be done." Caius voice came from where he was sitting at his throne. Marcus merely nodded in agreement.

Just then Aro came into the room, wearing a tight red speedo and tinfoil hat. In his arms he held many more identical hats.

"Everybody take a hat! Or the aliens will be able to read your minds! They're coming, you know."

When nobody took a hat, he skipped around the room putting one on each of their heads, while whistling what sounded suspiciously like Hillary Duff.

"Excellent." He clapped his hands together and surveyed the sullen and mutinous-looking vampires in the room. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I wanted to have a word with Mrs. Poppinschnooker before we all feed."

Heidi had to be restrained by two burly male vampires. "DON'T YOU GO NEAR MRS. POPPINSCHNOOKER! Number forty-eight! Number forty-eight, Aro!"

"Not to mention number twenty-five. I'm scarred for eternity." Someone mumbled.

Jane took the fountain pen held out to her by Alec and scribbled:

51. Aro is expressly forbidden from putting tinfoil hats on everyone in sight's head to "protect us from the allien's mind-reading powers" as it is not only hypocritical, but also because the aliens are not "coming to get us"